Musings

I think as a mother sometimes it’s hard to identify who I am. Maybe for those of you who have always dreamed of motherhood this hasn’t been so hard. But, growing up, I never dreamed of being a mom. I never wanted children. And here I am, under 30, happily married, and with two very sweet children.

I tend to be more pessimistic that optimistic at times. And maybe this is a good thing for my marriage and children.

I remember getting engaged and thinking “great, now I have to plan a wedding…”. I knew my dress would be white, because that’s the color that brides wear. But I had never cared about a wedding – I had never planned to get married. Thankfully, my mother was more than happy to do my wedding planning. I picked out my dress, flowers, cake, and bridesmaids. Suggested some food items, and my mom took care of the rest.

For me the wedding was about marriage, the wedding was a required formality. Tradition, is a better word for it. A good tradition, and not something to be skipped. But the wedding wasn’t the end goal. And, because I hadn’t dreamed of marriage all my life, I focused on the essentials – life after marriage.

Also, because I had never planned to marry, before marriage, I had never really considered what marriage would be like. I just figured it would be terrible (Love does strange things, that’s my only explanation for getting married).

So, before my husband-to-be comes along, I’m an individual. I have goals. I’m going to college. I’ll do what’s best for me. I never planned to get married. This also meant I never dated. Why date if I’m not looking to marry? I never dated anyone but my current husband, that is. And it took him years to convince me to even talk to him. I’m glad he stuck with it, and I’m glad we were both adults before we started dating. And I’m glad we married.

Dating
He’d been living on his own for several years, I’d been on my own for a couple of years and was at the time, living at home. But working 30hrs a week and going to college. So, we knew what we believed, we could both make decisions on our own, and most importantly, I knew that he was who I saw him to be. In fact, our first real phone conversation started with all the essentials. Basic beliefs, religion, politics, morals, and money management. If we didn’t like what we were hearing we were both ready to walk away and be done. Apparently, we agree on most things. All the essentials, at least.

I wasn’t planning on marriage, so I hadn’t dreamed about it. I had no idyllic picture of marriage. I was a little too realistic in a way, because marriage has been WAY better than I imagined. I’ve been married 6 years, and I still think it’s better than I thought it would be.

So, marriage comes along, and we’re now a couple. However, I still can do pretty much whatever I want. I’m pursuing my goals. Finishing my education – I had 2yrs left of Law School when we married. Preparing to move on with my career. I’m happy. Really, my goals haven’t changed.

My husband knew before we got married that I wasn’t interested in kids any time soon. He wanted kids sooner than later but he was willing to wait on me. I am the one who has to be pregnant for 9 months. It should be noted that I did not spring this information on him on our honeymoon. I was very up front about it. Months before the wedding, I told him.

Baby 1
So, we had almost 2 years of happy married life.  And, surprise, I find out I’m pregnant. For me, this was my first “identity crisis”. I wasn’t planning to be a mother yet. I still had things I wanted to do. And suddenly those aren’t going to happen. I did graduate from college but I missed my graduation ceremony because that’s when the baby was born. And, I’m suddenly tied town to a little one. Now, don’t misunderstand me, I love being a mother and I wouldn’t go back to childless if I could. But, this wasn’t part of my plan. I struggled with the concept of motherhood my entire pregnancy. I just wasn’t ready. Or, I didn’t think I was ready.

The day I find out I’m pregnant, I tell my husband and I’m in tears. I have that deer in the headlights feeling. My husband is delighted, couldn’t be happier. I think that this is somehow backwards. I’m supposed to be excited and he’s supposed to be nervous. But, we’re getting a baby, and there’s nothing I can do about it.

When I saw my baby girl, I knew I would love being a mother (and I have), but there were still things I had to overcome. I had planned out my identity and it wasn’t what I was getting in life. You try planning to be a lawyer and suddenly deciding that since there’s a baby on the way you’re going to stay home with the kids and give up a career. Totally not in my plan. Oh, and try law school finals with morning sickness. Definitely not in my plan.

In case you’re wondering, my plan in life was to finish college, get a job, focus on my career, and I never planned to get married or have children.

So, at this point, I’m married (very happily, I might add), and I have a baby. Oh, boy, this was not what I had planned at all!

Baby 2
Now, in my opinion, if you have one child, you must have two – I’m not a big fan of having only one child and my first baby needed a sibling. So, now I have two. Talk about no time to do what I had planned! I have hopes that I’ll do some career something once all my kids are in college. That’s 20 or more years down the road though, so who knows if that’ll happen. Maybe it’s just me holding on to what I still think I want.

I’ve given up on the idea of a career, at this time, because I want to be home with my children and my husband’s job makes that easy for me to do. I do believe that my children are more important than my career. But, what is left for me?

For me, the identity of “mom” isn’t a bad thing. I just don’t want it to be the only thing. I think my children need a mother who is also learning, growing, and achieving (achieving more than cleaning the kitchen and doing laundry).

So, who am I now – marriage and two kids later (and yes, I plan to have a 3rd, eventually)? Definitely not the person I was planning to be 9 years ago when I started college. Not the person I thought I would be 6 years ago when I got married. Not the person I bewilderedly wondered if I would be almost 4 years ago when I found out I was pregnant. And, honestly, probably not the person I think I am now.

The sermon this Sunday was a great reminder that my identity isn’t in myself, it’s in Christ. And I know that. But, there is that desire to learn, to accomplish (again, I have no desire to accomplish the laundry), to succeed. And that desire isn’t bad. There are things that I love to do. Not because I make myself like them but because I’ve always liked them. So what do I do? Who am I? I’m a wife and mother. But I like to think that I’m more than just that. I’m creative, I sew, I bake, I play in the band at Church, I’m learning to sing (hopefully with the band in a few years), and I’m somehow worried that I’ll fail at educating my children. I manage my husband’s small business, and my household budget. I volunteer in my community, and I probably stay busier than I should. But I enjoy it all.

My children are happy, creative, busy, generally well behaved, and lots of fun. My husband is more than I could ever ask for in a husband. And, yet, none of these are who I am.

Who I am is something deeper, something I can’t really define. You can see it in what I do. But, it’s who I am that drives what I do. Who I am isn’t a mother, or a wife, or a pianist. Who I am is the happiness I feel when I watch my children learn and succeed, the pride I feel when my husband is happy, and my pleasure when I hit a note just right. Who I am is who Christ is in me, and who Christ has made me. Wife, mother, creative, and content.